Wherein I Download Many Feelings

Watson God I Need to Sleep Gif

Oh gif, you are so on point it hurts.

This week has been fucking insane, I’m just gonna get that out first and foremost. Monday feels like it was a month ago and I can’t quite nail down why. I can’t believe my last regular blog post was only two days ago. I’ve been checking the date to confirm, repeatedly, that this week has only lasted the normal seven days. What is this shit?

Reading Progress

I will say that the week started well. As previously stated, I spent Monday reading until the wee hours of the morning, catching up on all the current chapters of one of the – very few – fanfiction AUs I read like candy. Going back into it after several months away, I found myself getting annoyed with the element of everyone and their grandma being gay / bi / tri / quad or what ever new designations are out there.

Especially when it comes to these men, who are in the fashion world, because of course they’re not just straight. Getting beat in the face with the whole “everyone is gay!” theme is exhausting.[Except the villain. Of course he’s one of the few straight people (for now …).] I like pro-BGLTQA? stories. I write them. But there is such a thing as finding balance in your universe. Not even everyone in California is something other than heterosexual. I’m all for a broad amount of representation, but swinging to the other end of the extreme – particularly just to be “trendy” or “different” – is still, in itself, an extreme.

I wish the author would focus on the pairing the series is supposed to be about, rather than playing eight degrees of sexual separation all the time. It becomes the opposite of hating the main couple on a show (Castle, Bones …) but knowing they’ll never primarily focus on the secondary pairings I love. Stop going off on all these side tangents and give me the main couple you promised, damn it!

On the other side of things, I picked up Dragonfly in Amber again and lords it’s good. It’s so entertaining to read. I’m occasionally jumbling the members of the French court – there’s a lot – I love the pacing and overall plot. Outlander, while really enjoyable, felt like once it got rolling it never stopped. Claire and Jamie rarely seemed to have a break running and fighting and being in harm’s way all day, every day.

Now, I understand this for lots of reasons, but as reader I still need downtime. I have to wonder if this sense of go-go-go is due in part to it being Gabaldon’s first novel. Regardless, Dragonfly is much improved in pacing. While there is still plenty of intrigue and a (lesser) amount of violence, I’m really enjoying the downshift that came with them staying put for a good long while and making a place for themselves.

It’s also lovely to see Jamie developing further from the hot Scottish brute, into a more complex character. One thing, since I’m here, that really surprised me was how much I enjoyed the opening sections of the book. I’d thought since it starts in the 20th century, I wouldn’t care about Brianna and Roger – being characters who were distinctly not my beloved Jamie and Claire – but from page one I was easily drawn back into the world. To the point that, at first, I would’ve rather stayed with them than return to Jamie.The book is actually restorative when I read it, which is everything I could ask for.

Weekly Reading Goal: Finish Dragonfly in Amber, short of that, hit 75%.

Writing Progress

Writing was very hit or miss this week … falling primarily in the “miss” category. I didn’t open Secret Nerd Project at all, my brain was just not in it and I didn’t end up starting writing until Saturday. I have to say I’m liking timed goals less and less. I finally said fuck it and rather than work on the project I’m “supposed” to jumped to the first project that got my attention. It’s a scene from Open Season that’s been running around in my head again lately. Frankly, it turned out pretty shit. I can’t seem to hone on the tone I want, but I was on the clock to just get something down. Which almost never brings out the best in me.

Clocks almost immediately put me in a Nanowrimo mentality, which is a bad bad place for me. So this week I’m going to set the clock for thirty or sixty minutes, and then move it out of site. If I write the whole time? Awesome. If I write for five minutes and then get distracted with researching for the other forty-five, that’s all right too. All of it ends up in my mental compost bin anyway, so even if it’s not the results I want, it’s still work that I can use at some point.

On a happier writing note, though, I did start up a short story that I’ve been dwelling on for a bit. Initially, I’d allowed myself to do a bit of character work and think about it (a lot) but I didn’t wanna start writing because I was focused on moving forward with SNP. Well, when that stalled, I figured I’d give my brain a break and work on something that it was actually interested in. 1,655 and one scratch draft later I met and exceeded my three-hour writing goal today. So much so that I forgot to turn the stopwatch in as I was working. Meaning I probably hit closer to four hours. And I super enjoyed the process, which is a nice relief.

Weekly Writing Goal: One hour on SIMC and OS. Try to rewrite that OS scene the way you really want it to be. Take it slow and use the stopwatch rather than the timer for tracking.

Comments, Comments Everywhere

Something that belongs in the writing section – but I wanted to specifically point out – is I got some really lovely feedback on my last ROW post. If you’re reading this and you’re one of the commenters … thank you very much! I appreciated everyone who took the time to not only read my thoughts, but take the time to leave a comment, whether big or small. I look forward to returning the kindness in the future.

Gaming Progress

did actually get some gaming in this week – yay! Not as much as I would’ve liked, but at this point some is better than none. I managed an hour or two on inFamous: First Light along with rocking some (very loud) music and a Guinness Extra Stout. The jury’s still out on what I missed more, the game or the beer.

Pretty sure it’s the beer.

Got frustrated with the game because the latest mission is a timed one that involves careful tracking of a truck. Ugh, I’m actually having a similar problem on the Disney Infinity Avengers playset. Timed and accuracy missions are a major weak spot for me, I also get super annoyed by games that don’t allow running of multiple missions or quests at the same time. Forcing me to complete everything in a linear fashion. I wind up stuck in games a lot longer that way.

Weekly Gaming Goal: Finally crack open Shadows of Mordor; I’ve had it since Yule Eve, still in the wrapper. This must be remedied. Beat Loki in DI! Bonus: Rehook up Yvonne the PS3 and play some more Borderlands.

Mental Health Check

Things on this front have been very difficult for this week. January on the whole has felt very up and down. I have good moments but they never seem to “stick”. I can be happy and laughing for ages, and then five minutes later I just feel … blank. Not even numb, because numb in my head implies coldness or lacking. I just feel blank. Like there’s nothing in my brain but blank white space.

It’s an incredibly weird sensation and not one I enjoy. It got so strange last night that a struggled to play DI (Disney Infinity) with my nephew, because everything I thought or felt or wanted to say felt like it was sliding out of my head before I could grasp it. I’ve been on two variations of generic Wellbutrin (Buproprin XL and then SR) and I’m just not feeling it. In certain ways it seems like it might be helping – example: it helped me not have such a massive rebound time after a social function – but it also made other things worse. My temper and tolerance feeling like they’re growing noticeably shorter (and I don’t think that’s all down to PMS), I’m having trouble focusing on things I love (reading, gaming) and I’m still tired all the time. No matter when or how much I sleep.

I’m due for a new script shortly and I really don’t want to continue with this line of meds. I’ve been on it for three months (XL for two, SR for one) and I’m not seeing much change. I know some drugs can take up to fourteen weeks to truly get into one’s system, but the average wait time to see if a drug is working seems to be six to eight.

As of this writing, it’s been thirteen weeks. I’d hoped to see or feel something more by now. I want to give Lexapro a shot this month; I know my doctor doesn’t think it would be a great fit – because one of the main side effects is sleepiness – but Wellbutrin is already making me sleep or at least it’s not waking me up, like she says it’s supposed to. At this point I figure it can’t hurt to try.

Happy Nerdy Stuff aka Lots of Battle of Five Armies Spoilers!

I finally got to see The Battle of Five Armies before it left theaters. I still haven’t unpacked how I feel about it, and I’m not sure I will until I have it (probably on Blu-Ray / DVD) where I can take the time to break it down. If you would like to share in my initial reactions, click here for opinions galore.

Well, That’s One Way To Fill Out a Post, Isn’t It?

Apparently I was ready to download quite a few of my emotions after all. Meanwhile …

This week I also finally got my bag full of goodness from Penny Arcade that I’ve been waiting on. I’m absolutely thrilled with what I got, my top three favorites are: the 15th anniversary scarf. I pined over this when they came out, but didn’t have the money to buy one. I was delighted to find it in the loot. Next is the PAX 2009 Absolute Edition; this is such a great set ,from the Omegathon (which I’ve never had the pleasure of watching), to the Wil Wheaton Awesome Hour, to the Jonathan Coulton and Paul and Storm concerts.

Which segues nicely into … I watched my first Jonathan Coulton concert this week and it was awesome! I’ve heard of him frequently around the PA / PvP / DB / GearBox nerd system, but I’d never really listened to his music. I watched the concert straight though and laughed the whole time. It lifted me out of what was otherwise a rough, emotional day and I’m really glad I gave it a shot.

Thirdly, I got a Mr. Toots! Now, I admit, I do not read PvP or The Trenches very often. I do enjoy Trenches but it tends to slip my mind a lot. I’d seen Mr. Toots in the store, but never felt inclined to purchase one of my very own. Learn from me, buy one. He is ridiculously adorable and massively cuddly. I was also impressed with the craftsmanship on him. He got a round of approval from my whole family, he’s that cute.

Are You Still Reading?

Well, this got super long … if you’re still reading, you’re a champ. I wish I had a virtual cookie or lollipop to offer in reward. I hope the journey was at least enjoyable. I’ll try to write less next week. Keyword being try. I make absolutely no promises.

Estimated Weekly Totals: 7,241 words; 17 pages


Categories: Depression, Open Season, ROW80, Writing
Tags: , , , ,

8 Responses so far.

  1. Being able to rotate techniques and motivators is excellent, especially when a “tried and true” method has been tapped out. It’s all about finding what works for you as an individual, sometimes – like you said – that can change by the month, the week or the hour.

    I’m definitely sticking with my meds, so no worries there. I was even able to work with my psychologist and get a smaller refill, because I’ll be seeing her soon and I didn’t want a bunch of excess medication laying around.

    Thank you for the encouragement and here’s a fresh cookie for you! 🙂


  2. Beth Camp says:

    Oooh, someone took my cookie!!!! Seriously. Thanks for letting us see behind the curtain of writing, gaming, and new meds, all topics not easily talked about. Your suggestions will work for some of us some of the time, and then we all switch, or at least I do, for what works for me one month is not guaranteed to work the next month or even on the next project. I also wish you well on the search for just that right medication (and hope you don’t go flying past that therapeutic window!). My only caution is to NEVER go off any prescribed drugs without working with your doctor (some anti-depressants have horrendous side-effects if you stop suddenly). Otherwise, keep writing all those lovely words!

  3. Owen says:

    Very kind of you. A most excellent cookie, it is too. 🙂

  4. I am a lady of my word. And yes, I Googled this solely for use in comments, because I can. 😀


  5. I think I’m your opposite when it comes to goal-setting. 🙂 For me word counts often lead to spewing out words just to hit a specific number, which is personally very unsatisfying. I think I need to adjust how I use timers. Rather than getting stuck in the “the clock is ticking, I must get down as many words as possible!” panic, I want to focus on just writing and enjoying that in itself, whether that leaves me with 500 words at the end or 50.

    Thank you for your kind words. Medication and being diagnosed is very new for me. I’m three-months into the whole process, so everything is very big and scary right now. I grapple with SAD as well, so I empathize. Thankfully the winter in the Midwest hasn’t been harsh (up until a bunch of snow got dumped here, of course :D).

    Also, as promised, your cookie for surviving this post:


  6. I haven’t had much success with timed writing goals. I like to set a word-count goal. Then, if I exceed it, great, but I have that goal in mind as a minimum. For some reason timed writing goals just don’t work for me. I have no idea why.

    Good luck with finding the right medication for you. I will say that finding the right med/combination of meds definitely helps, but everyone’s brain chemistry is different so it can take a while to find it. I know winter definitely doesn’t help my mood. I’m already looking forward to spring.

    Have a great week!

  7. 😀 You’re welcome! I hope you’re doing well, and thank you for trekking all the way to the bottom. [Whoops, saw this comment first. I’m off to reply to your longer comment now.]

  8. Owen says:

    Thanks for the cookie! 😉